Without her
by LovePeaceEquality20
Summary: The inner musings of Ashley Davies. She reflects on her life without Spencer, set in the 3rd season. One Shot! Maybe more to come


A/n- Not much to say about this one, I just had some time on my hands...and i've been thinkiing alittle about what Ashley might be thinking through the first few episodes. Hope you guys like it.

Disclaimer-The Characters aren't mine, but the story is.

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I thought she needed me. I've always thought that no matter what the circumstance no matter how much I fuck everything up, no matter how badly I hurt her. That she would still need me. That even when I entertain ideas of getting back with my ex, and cut of all communication with her for two months after her brother dies that she'll still want me…that I can have her whenever I want. 

I know I sound like a conceited bitch. But you have to understand what she understands, that underneath all of this, this hard exterior. Underneath this façade I put up, this tough and brazen girl…is someone sensitive and compassionate that just wants to be loved and feel safe.

I never felt wholly secure before…and I guess that is why I started to gravitate towards Aiden. He represents a different time in my life, a time were my father was still alive, where I was an only child, popular, and carefree, faking like I was happy without a danger of someone seeing through me. He could never see through me, at least not like she could. He was safe and simple and she made me feel so many things, she made me care too much. And it scared me because with her for the first time in my entire short life, I was truly genuinely complete.

She made me happy. Hell she made me over the moon ecstatically happy. Yet the pessimist in me knew. The far reaching of my mind knew that I was balancing on nothing and it could all be gone in the blink of an eye. So what did I do, I tried to push her away before she got to close. Hell she was already to close, I mean I was head over heels in love with her for god sake and she knew how much it scared me that I needed her so much, she knew exactly what I was going to do. Because she knows me so well, better than I know myself. She tried to stop me, she tried to grab on to me before I fell to far away…and then she just stopped.

That night at Chelsea's art studio, she gave up. For once her life was more important than mine, she was just tired I suppose. Tired of all the hell I put her through. And as much as it hurts I can't say I blame her.

But I miss oh god do I miss her. And here I am a teenage millionaire and yet I'm so fucking miserable. I miss her every moment of the day, with every breath I take, not just as a girlfriend but also as a best friend. Although I miss kissing her too, her lips are so soft, she tastes like strawberriy and mint nothing like Aiden. And now even though we talk it isn't the same it feels strained like she always has her guard up around me, and I just want to have an honest conversation with her. Or just spend the entire day doing nothing, yet having all the fun in the world. I want her to come to my house and lie in my arms, and tell me about her day. I want to wake up next to her, to revel in the softness of her skin. I want her to see my new loft, and help me pick something out to wear. Because nothing matters to me, 12 million dollars doesn't matter because she isn't here.

So I'm stuck, I'm just here biding my time, with a boy that pales in comparison to her. His kisses don't set me off like hers, his touch doesn't burn my skin, and his words don't soothe my soul. Still I kiss him and I touch him with all the fictitiousness that was my former life before her. Because I have to because if not I'll be alone and I could never be alone. Not when she has someone.

I hear she has a new girlfriend now, I heard her voice in the background on the phone. I saw them walking together. I saw her hand cradled in hers, her head nuzzled in her neck. I felt the constriction in my chest, the nausea in my stomach, the first time I saw them together and i've felt it intensify.

I thought she needed me, but now she has someone new. I know she doesn't love her. It's too soon right? I mean she couldn't possibly love her. No she couldn't….

I obsess over this every second of everyday; she couldn't love her because I can't take it if she does. No Spencer can't love this girl, this Carmen. Because if she loves her then she needs her, and she can't need her because I need her to need me.

And the bile rises in my throat as I think of them together. Of Carmen touching what is mine, of her caressing, and kissing what doesn't belong to her, of her corrupting my dear sweet Spencer and if she hurts her I swear I will kill her.

Oh what am I talking about, I 'm the one that hurts her, and I'm the only one that could cause her immense pain, because she is the only one that can hurt me like that. She is the only one who could take my heart and rip it to pieces. I know this and I should of all along. Aiden can't do what she does to me, I might care If he dates my sister, but more because I'm afraid I'm going to lose him as a friend. I don't care if he dates anyone not like I care about her being with her…. Doesn't this girl understand that she is mine, she is my best friend, she is supposed to be my girlfriend, she is my everything dammit…even if I don't deserve her.

It kills me because now I know how she felt, how she might still feel about Aiden, and me. And I've never felt so bad, if this were what she had to go through, I would never wish this pain on anyone especially her…but oh she has to know I don't love him. She has to she knows me to well. Doesn't she know me anymore?

I'm silently calling out to her, begging her to rescue me from this hell that is my existence.

But maybe it is to late; I don't even know if she cares anymore, maybe I've finally lost her for good.

I thought that she needed me but maybe I was wrong.


End file.
